I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
