Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
