we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
