I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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