I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
