dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
