Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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