I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
