i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
