Don't make out with my wife yet
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
