so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
