I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
