I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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