last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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