just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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