So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
