May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She's the barista slut.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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