we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
