I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
