Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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