I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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