Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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