Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
