I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just gargled with NyQuil
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
