i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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