if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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