awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
