what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
