can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
