nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
