I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
