as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
