I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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