I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
