Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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