You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
