I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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