If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
its liver damage thursday
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
