We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
