btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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