i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
