She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
