Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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