I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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