Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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