I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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