all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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