You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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