I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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