She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
