Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
