apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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